“Rachelle, please don’t walk on the top of the couch, I don’t want you to fall and hurt yourself”, I warned. “Don’t worry dad I’ll be fine”, responded Rachelle confidently.

You can guess what happened next, there was a crash followed by a scream, “Daaaaaaddy!!!”. I ran into to the lounge room to see what had happened and lying crumpled on the floor behind the couch was Rachelle with tears streaming down her cheeks. I comforted her, picked her up and cuddled her on the couch until the sobbing subsided.

As a father I asked my daughter to stop doing something as I perceived that what she was doing was a danger to her wellbeing. I wanted to protect her from the consequences of her actions. Rachelle perceived my advice as unnecessary and continued to do what she felt was a safe activity. Only after she had fallen did she consider my advice as relevant to her life.

It's interesting isn’t it?

Often we regard our parents or leaders’ advice as irrelevant to our lives. We feel that their advice is restrictive, that they are hindering our freedom. It is only after we fall and hurt ourselves that the advice makes sense to us.

My life is riddled with mistakes that could have avoided had I listened to my parents’ advice (and leaders!) and it is only now, in retrospect that I recognise my mum and dad were not trying to restrict my freedom, but to provide freedom from the pain of making mistakes.

Boundaries are designed to provide freedom not restriction

The Bible is full of God’s wisdom. He encourages us to put limits on our behaviour and our choices because he knows the consequences of our actions. The 10 commandments are a prime example of this. Do not commit adultery, do not murder, do not steal….

These commands are designed by God to bring life and life more abundantly in the believer’s life and to protect them from harm.

So what does this mean for us as parents?

There are a few key elements I want to highlight about boundaries.

They are;

• Boundaries can be too restrictive
• Boundaries can be too licentious
• Right boundaries should not be enforced

Boundaries can be too restrictive

We have all experienced this. When a boundary is placed upon us that is unjust and too restrictive. We can respond in one of two ways to over-restrictive boundaries. We can respond by obeying or disobeying and there are consequences for both.

• If we obey an unfair boundary is does something to our soul. We know it’s unfair and we compromise our integrity by obeying it. Inside we know it’s unfair and our emotions highlight the injustice. If we are not careful we become resentful and bitter, which can eventually lead to rebellion.
• We disobey the unfair boundary and then need to navigate the response from our parents, leaders or mentors. This welcomes an opportunity for growth.

As parents, we need to reflect on the boundaries we are placing on our children and assess whether our boundaries are just and fair.

When was the last time you took the time to assess whether the boundaries you place on your children and in their best interests?

Boundaries can be too licentious

Maybe you grew up in a family where there were very few rules? Or maybe you have observed families where the only rule is, there are no rules?

The error in this thinking is no rules mean freedom. When we parent with this mentality to boundaries we are setting our children up to experience pain and suffering in the name of freedom. What are the results of this parenting style?

• Children find it hard to fit into school, as they find the rules restrictive
• Children’s behaviour is rebellious and they cause themselves and others pain

Parents who parent with this mentality may think they are loving their children but in reality they are neglecting their children’s wellbeing.

Right boundaries should not be enforced

This one might sound counter-intuitive but let me explain my reasoning.

As a parent you have thought reflectively about why you have put a boundary in place and judged it to be a reasonable boundary that has your child’s best interests at heart, well done! The next step is to clearly communicate the boundary to your child, so that the boundary is clear to them. However, I recommend NOT enforcing the boundary upon your child, instead give your child the CHOICE to obey or disobey your boundary.

If you force your child to obey your boundaries you will create resentment in your child, however if your child chooses to disobey you, they will learn from their mistake and you will have a teachable moment with your child. At that moment they are more likely to be open to your advice.

Of course, especially with young children there will be times when you as a parent must enforce a boundary. For example, if you are the parent of a three-year-old and you say to them “Don’t run onto the road”, and they start running onto the road you will need to stop them from getting hit by a car. But in general my advice would be to allow children to disobey your boundaries and teach or guide them when they make mistakes. On the flipside praise obedience specifically such as, “Well done for not jumping on the couch Rachelle, great choice!”

There is so much more to this very important topic of boundaries, and I have only scraped the surface in this article. Can I encourage you to resource yourself as a parent on boundaries so that you create an environment where your children can grow up in a healthy environment where boundaries provide healthy limits for your child to mature into the adult that both you and God want them to become?

Let’s Pray

Dear Father,

Thank-you for creating boundaries not to restrict us, but to facilitate healthy growth in us and in our children. Give us wisdom to know what healthy boundaries are for ourselves and for our children. Give us knowledge, discernment and wisdom to create a family environment conducive to the healthy growth of our children, so that they become all they have been created to become. In Jesus name. Amen.

LISA AUSTIN